Saturday, January 30, 2010


I have been trying to figure out the words to give clarity to how I am and why I cannot have what I want in any type of relationship. I am and have always been socially-blind in an interpretive sense or else I just don't offer what people value. I suspect that I am fundamentally broken and anything I offer is tainted by that, in that I cannot hide how I am.

Christie's blog Even Mutualists Have To Constantly Fight To Stay Friends seems to explain how people interact. To maintain a mutual friendship you need to constantly "understand" and "offer" what the friend wants from the relationship and I don't have the capability of doing that regardless of my ability to empathize and understand people. And the "fight" and "motivation to "cheat" is so visible to me and also distasteful.

I am cynical enough to believe, "what is in it for me" fundamentally motivates people's choices in relationships, and I am blind to seeing that or understanding how it shifts and evolves. I am awkward and I blunder.

I don't ever think "what's in it for me" as I find that a foreign concept in liking and choosing someone in my life. I like people for who they are, or I enjoy the company of people exploring that. I have always looked at relationships as accepting people as they are, so the choice is to want them in my life or not as they are.

Today, I can see how I am toxic to people and so it is a kindness to stay uninvolved. And I understand that though I am kind and intend no harm to anyone and do no harm, that still how I am or who I am is toxic. Perhaps, it always has been this way and today it is just a bit more obviously so.

Oddly, children are different. Perhaps, because what they most want is to be wanted/valued for who they are, valued and supported in what matters to them and that is exactly all I really know how to do and all I actually want to do along with being kind. This naturally how I am and what I value and I recognize that this is also insufficient and of low relevancy in mutual relationships.

I cannot help but see how I have come to make the choice of isolation given my natural enjoyment and appreciation of people for their individuality.

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